I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
my penis made a compromise with my morals
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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