Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
