I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You smell like stripper and shame
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize