Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
