see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
