My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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