so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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