so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
