dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this beer tastes like vomit already
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
