Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So much rum. So many feels.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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