Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
