Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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