I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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