I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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