he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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