put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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