apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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