wrigley field is MILF paradise
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
