new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
