The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
