She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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