Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel like death gave me a hand job
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
