My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
