It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
