made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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