how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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