i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
