By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
