I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
