Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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