have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Help. Why am I so naked?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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