Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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