Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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