tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
