The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So much rum. So many feels.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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