I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
ugly people sure do ruin things
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
