So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
