Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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