I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
