I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
