Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
