remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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