Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
