I wish my penis had an off switch
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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