Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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