i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize