my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
