I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
