Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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