So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
