Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
