Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And then he peed in my hair
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