mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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