this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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