i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
