My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
